Staying within the structure of my last article in which I had made mention of incidents that had happened during my extended vacation, (I have been referring to that time period as my flirtation with the sixth circle of insanity) I realized that as I was listing off certain events that had passed, we also had reached the halfway mark of 2017. Some of my more nitpicking readers may call me out as being over a month late, but it's my article and I'm invoking a certain amount of poetic license due to the fact I felt that I couldn't return with my first offering simply rattling off a list of things that happened over the past 26 weeks. I don't believe that would have been fair. Even if I had gone that route, I probably still would have been critiqued being four weeks late instead of six.... so .....here we are.
Some of you might be having a touch of familiarity and already know where this is heading, so keeping with tradition and following positive (and some pretty good negative) feedback received over the past two years I've been doing this, I offer my Observations of what I feel are the Halftime Highlights of 2017.
* Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th president of the United States and the 5th to do so without actually winning the election. I suppose Dapper Don was right.... the system is rigged! Now if he could just do something about all those pesky listening devices lying around all over the place. I wouldn't talk too loud in front of the coffee maker or the Nutra-Ninja if I were him.... just in case.
* Despite receiving almost 2.9 million more votes than the orange wonder, Hillary decided not to play the "Al Gore" card and conceded on election night. I suppose she realized that there was more money and less headaches on the college lecture scene. Might as well stick to your strengths, I always say.
* Bill O'Reilly left Fox News after over 20 years as a staple to the network due to his inability to "explain" why his fly was always open and his mouth was never shut from indignant remarks toward his colleagues of the fairer gender.... No, not Anderson Cooper. Fans that have no need to fear his "awesome investigative prowess" (his words, not mine) can still listen to his podcast on Monday Nights, at least until football season starts. Rumors that he is working on a new book entitled "Killing My Career" have not been confirmed or denied. Now if we could only get Nancy Grace to shut up.
* Speaking of the Fox Squawk Box.... Someone has to break it to Tucker Carlson that the only reason he landed the coveted prime time slot was because Billy Boy Jim Bob couldn't keep his wandering hands or his lude comments to himself in the cafeteria, hallways, lobby, dressing room, set, parking lot, fire escape, etc. etc. I pity him if he thinks it was because of his journalistic skills or his endearing personality. That would just be unrealistic on his part. And while they're at it could they please tell him to stop making all those stupid faces on live TV? He's scaring the children.
* Daniel Blackwell, (No, your thinking of the magician) of Dundalk, MD was charged with attempted murder after firing a warning shot inside his home after either his wife or his daughter took a bite out of his grilled cheese sandwich that he momentarily left unattended. Afterwards, Blackwell barricaded himself in his home for hours during a standoff with local police before finally surrendering. One of his female family members must have bit off one of Jesus's ears for Danny boy to go so far off the deep end.
* Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Saunders have to decide if they should continue to call out "fake news" while they report alternate facts. Especially since half the cabinet, including Spicer, has resigned, been fired or has made claims of physical impossibilities.... Unless, of course, your back is double jointed. Way to nail an interview, Mooch!
* Joseph Murphy of Bath Township, OH called 911 and requested a police dog to track down a woman he claimed stole heroin from him. A felony drug charge is expected. Murphy was also recently arrested for driving drunk and crashing his Mercedes. You may also remember this mental giant as it was nationally reported back in January that he urinated on a Florida trooper's leg while being arrested for disorderly conduct at Disney World. And here I thought there wasn't anything worth the price they were charging to get in.
* Kelly Anne Conway has got to make a choice between hawking Ivanka's products during news interviews and "putting on cement shoes and jumping off a bridge". To me it's a no-brainer, but what do I know? We all can only hope.
* The indifferent parents of the year award goes to the two nameless morons in East Palatine, OH who fell asleep on their eight year old son who decided to take his father's work van for a little drive down the street with his four year old sister in tow to the local McDonald's for a couple of Happy Meals. The boy claims he learned to drive on You Tube. Who says the internet is destroying or youth? Sounds to me it's helping teach them self reliance... the parents sure aren't.
* While we're in the fast food world, it may be significant to mention that the aforementioned McDonald's has decided to drop their age old orange drink like a hot McDLT and Dunkin Donuts is market testing whether or not they should forgo their surname. They might as well since they really don't sell doughnuts anymore. Flatbread, egg white only sandwiches and coolatta cappuccinos take up a lot of time and effort, you know.
* The ACA and PBR (aka Obamacare) are technically still in effect even though most of the insurance companies that were involved have crawled away. Conservatives just can't agree on a replacement plan that would line their pockets, fill their election coffers and allow enough of their constituents to die of pre existing conditions, minimizing the surplus population that could vote against them when their terms are up.
* Although hitting an all time history making low approval rating of between 33% and 37% (depending on what polling statistic your looking at) Dandy Don has still made Craig Mammalton proud as the area around his eyes has achieved the ultimate tan.
* The serial pooper of Akron, OH (no... I'm not making this up) remains at large and has been attributed with defecating on 19 car hoods over the past two years that authorities are aware of. That number is probably much higher as some cars may be too scared or ashamed to come forward and report the abuse.
* Isis seems to continue to have issues with nightclubs, bridges, bus stations, statues, pedestrians, taxis, churches, law enforcement and Arianna Grande fans. Seeing as several of their claimed attacks over the past several months have only resulted in the deaths of their supposed members, they either have to start training their followers a lot better or stop claiming responsibility for every nut job with a homemade Cabela's fly fishing suicide vest wrapped in Home Depot duct tape and sporting a two dollar Radio Shack push button, who read about them on the internet and thinks their cool. I lean toward the latter. Eight year old pop fans don't have political agendas..... morons.
* Trump cut ties with the Paris Accord calling it a "Draconian financial burden on the American people". This makes a certain amount of sense because most of us already know that climate change is just a hoax being put on by China to compromise American industry.... Duh!
* According to MSN News, Mary Tyler Moore died.... twice.
* After he Tweeted that transgender people would no longer be allowed to serve in our armed forces, whoever is in charge of watching Doltish Don should really rethink his internet privileges. I mean, c'mon! How many warning signs do you need before you act? I thought there were enough before we went to the polls, but I guess I was wrong. Wait.... was I? Oh well, not to worry.
* And finally, senate bill 331 in Ohio has passed making bestiality illegal statewide. Now, what are people going to do on those boring, uneventful, drunken Saturday nights?....Play Parcheesi? Dull... Dull... Dull! For as much as I stay away from any situation that would involve me going to the city of Orlando, I fully intend to avoid the entire state of Ohio like the plague. The last thing I need is to have some eight year old drive me in my car while I'm asleep to a McDonald's parking lot, that doesn't serve orange drink, where my car hood could get crapped on by some drunken guy on heroin breaking the law with his Shih Tzu.
Now it may seem to some that this years list focuses on the three ring sideshow that has been running our country for the past six plus months. I assure you, my fellow Observers, that it was purely intentional on my part. I am a firm believer in that the leaders who are chosen reflect the true nature of the society they serve and seeing that our hard earned tax dollars paid the price of admission to the big top of biased thinking, I couldn't help myself in pointing out our apparent devolvement as a species.
Denial, intolerance and prejudice appear to be all the rave as of late and that lion's share of public opinion got me wondering that after all the progress we have made in the last few generations, how was it that we have apparently fallen back to that archaic way of thinking so quickly? The answer came as fast as the question.... maybe faster. It simply never went away. As stated, our leadership is a reflection of the people it is serving. Easy as that. After all this time we find out that those huge strides we all thought we were making towards acceptance turned out to be only baby steps away from ignorance. The only difference lately is that now we have an administration that supports those ideals along with the petulant pinheads who actually feel this way, rather than denounce them. It saddens me that with the flick of a voting lever coupled with an election system that is in serious need of a revamp, I found myself within the void of disbelief where rational thinking is in the minority.
I can't speak for you, my loyal reader, but I've always felt that one of the most important qualities that a leader should posses is the ability to quell the fears of those who follow rather than confirm, enflame or encourage them. The half truths and outright lies that are coming out of our current leaders mouths would have us searching for factuality within the annals of the fiction card catalog at our local library. And while they're deciding what microwave not to talk in front of or which cranberry orange muffin is concealing a micro two way radio that the past administration planted to uncover top secret breakfast conversation concerning that bothersome bowel movement trouble certain White House individuals are having, a large part of America that believes their carnival barking is waiting for Larry or Lolita Latino to take their job or Jihad Jim to bomb the Piggly Wiggly down the street because he was unhappy with the doughnut selection this past Tuesday morning. There never seem to be enough crullers to go around.
What they're not telling us is that Larry and Lolita only take our jobs because some all American, red, white and blue, star spangled business owner is illegally hiring them for five bucks an hour (or less), under the table so he can avoid all those annoying details that legitimate businesses have to endure... you know, like... taxes... and insurance. As far as Jim is concerned, he might not be so quick to use that plastic explosive that he's been saving for a special occasion if not for the fact that our foreign policy was persecuting his country of origin in some fashion. I agree that there are better ways to deal with your issues other than strapping dynamite to your chest and pushing a button inside the disco where that cute blonde rejected you last week, but understanding why other countries hate us just might be a good way to start searching for answers instead of labeling everyone that has a beef with our government as terrorists and getting as many of our population to agree out of fear so they can discredit their grievances. When you look at situations from a perspective other than paranoid delusion designed to frighten and control people, you may begin to realize that constipation is not the problem our leaders are having. Crap is flowing just fine. Strictly an Observation. If you'll excuse me, I think my stereo is watching me.
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